Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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