I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
