UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you had me at cake vodka
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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