Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize