Ambien. No doubt about it.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
