why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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