so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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