I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Houston, we have a squirter
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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