I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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