do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
