i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
