Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
