Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
