My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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