Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
