jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
