I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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