The maid of honor just puked.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
