i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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