i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
