Duck Duck Cougar?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
