It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
