I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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