you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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