just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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