If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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