Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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