here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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