She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
