apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
