Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
