my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
