I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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