Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize