I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
