You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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