Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
