btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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