youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The beer is more important than you right now.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
