I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
