This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
