Will you blow on my dice?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
