so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
