guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
