So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
