Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
