Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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