Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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