How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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