I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
