I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
