i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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