I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
