if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
