I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
