If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
