You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
