i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
