I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
