So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Are we still banned from the library?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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